Last year, during a five month kitchen remodel, we faced the frightening reality of being without our washer and dryer. Oh we still had the actual appliances, but the part of our house formerly known as indoors was presently an empty cavern. Once you have graduated into the world of having your own washer and dryer, it is a humbling experience to return to ... THE LAUNDROMAT.
Of course, we really couldn’t complain because we knew this was only temporary. So each week, we took a deep breathe, and we loaded up the minivan with our mountain of laundry, our kids, and some toys and crafts to keep them occupied, and headed to a local laundromat.
The closest one was the one we used the most often. It was no gem, but it did share a building with a donut shop, and we’d visit the donut shop each week after cramming our clothes into five, or six, or even seven washing machines. I suppose it says something about a place when it is a step up to go to a donut shop.
In all our trips to the laundromat, one visit stands out as especially laundromatty. We had just arrived, and I was about to get some quarters, when I spied someone’s wallet resting on the change machine. I should admit right now that I happen to have a bit of an honesty problem, and by that I mean that I am insanely honest. I am sometimes paralyzed by honesty, if that makes any sense. My wife and I even had an epic fight, which spanned two days, because in her opinion, I was being overly honest about a minor detail in a form to get a temporary handicapped parking placard for my dad, who has only one leg. It’s not always a picnic being me. Naturally, the stray wallet activates my merit-badge-seeking boy scout mode and I announce “Did someone lose their wallet?” There was just a small cast of freaks here at the moment, but luckily, a lady standing nearby said (rather quickly) the wallet belonged to her friend, and he was coming right back – he was just getting something to eat. She said she’d hold onto the wallet for him, and so I handed it to her.
We went about our business loading our clothes into the washing machines and I remember that lady was loading her clothes into some dryers... and then about ten minutes later a man bursts into the laundromat and blurts “Hey – did anybody find a wallet in here? I left my wallet here just a few minutes ago.” I could tell he was panicking (and who wouldn’t be), but I told him the good news – that his friend was holding onto his wallet for him. And then he said:
What friend? I don’t have any friends here. That lady is not my friend. Who is she? Where did she go?
I hadn’t notice the lady slip away and leave the laundromat. But she definitely wasn’t here any longer. I realized this was a troubling development. Shit. Why didn’t I hold onto that wallet?
Argh! Hindsight! But I explained to the guy how she spoke up right away and said she was his friend. I had no reason to think she was lying. And after I handed her the wallet, she simply continued loading her clothes into these dryers. She seemed honest. In fact, even at this point, I figured she probably just went to get a donut or something and she’d be right back any minute. Our attention turned to her clothes, still spinning in the dryer. Our heads bobbed in spirals as we assessed the quality of her clothes – in order to predict if her return was likely. To my relief, our missing lady actually had some decent clothing. The room clearly harbored doubts about my judgement, but these clothes gave me some hope. Meanwhile one of the other laundromat guests, a strange cat man that brought his cat with him to do laundry, decides now would be a good time to share his opinion that our missing lady seemed like a "skank ho” to him. He even struck an accusatory tone, “why did you give her the wallet?”
I think that is when the guy decided to call the cops about his missing/stolen wallet. Meanwhile, our laundry was dry. While we folded, I watched for the missing lady and monitored her (now dry) clothes. The strange cat man finished up and left. The situation seemed bleak. My wife and I continued to chat with missing wallet guy and his girlfriend, examining the situation and thinking about clues. We waited for the cops. Eventually our laundry was folded, and we loaded it into our minivan. We decided that my wife would drive the boys home and I would stay at the laundromat in case the lady returned. We were the only ones still there that knew what the lady looked like. But since I was the person that handed the wallet to her, I wanted to do as much as I could to help. Besides, I also remembered that my wife once had trouble differentiating between the two similar-looking actors that played the police chief in “The Heat of the Night” – Rod Steiger in the film version and Carroll O’Connor in the television version. When it came to police line-up situations like this one, I felt I had the edge.
The cops finally arrived and interviewed us. I gave a description of the missing lady. She didn’t seem like a “skank ho” to me. I just did the best I could. I remember we were all standing near the entrance of the laundromat when suddenly I see the missing lady through the large laundromat windows. “That’s her – there she is!” I tell the cops. She came back! The police officer immediately asks her where the wallet is and she says that she dropped it in a mailbox. The officer then asks her if he can search her bag, and she relents, and admits she took the wallet and hands it to the officer. I am super relieved, but then the wallet guy turns to me with and asks with disbelief “You thought she looked honest? She looks like a skank ho to me.” And I guess now she did to me too.
We eventually learn that this lady went on a big shopping spree with the cash in the wallet. She still had the merchandise in her car! The police were going to escort her to the stores and make her return all her ill-gotten booty so the man could get his money back.
So I definitely blew it when I believed the skank ho. She fooled me. But I was right about one thing: she came back to get her clothes! Next time, I’ll definitely hold onto the wallet.
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